You are doing a miracle right now - here's why lockdown parenting is so hard - Roma Norriss, Founder of Hand in Hand Parenting Coach
/You are doing a miracle right now - here's why lockdown parenting is so hard
Parents are really going through it right now with this pandemic parenting situation, you are not alone if you are struggling! It’s an impossible feat to be juggling the amount that we are and I just want to say THANK YOU for everything you are doing to love your kids in spite of it and I’m sorry if it’s feeling desperate.
If your kids are more anxious, aggressive, withdrawn, needy or intense at the moment, there's actually a really good reason for it. Lockdown puts everyone under more stress and whatever patterns have always been underlying are likely to bubble up to the surface. One reason for this is that some of our kids' stress is historical; as in left over from another time and being brought up because this situation is somehow unconsciously reminding them of how it felt then.
When our children went through (normal) scary experiences: (a traumatic birth, an early separation, accidents or medicalisation, divorce, abuse, house moving etc.) and we (through no fault of our own) couldn’t or didn’t know how to offer our attention to help them release the fear; the feelings of terror or distress generated by this ’emergency’ state get stashed away in the figurative emotional backpack that our children carry through life.
There they lie dormant, subtly influencing our child’s thinking and behaviours and waiting to be triggered when something (like a global crisis resulting in preoccupied parents/uncertainty/disruption for example) reminds their subconscious of the initial hurt. When we carry around tension from life’s hurts, it causes strain on the body and nervous system. It reduces our tolerance for normal things. It causes rigid, reactive or withdrawn behaviour.
Unfortunately our stiff upper lip society generally tends to frown on emotional expression, which is the body’s attempt to re-balance by releasing the pent up fear. Babies are jiggled, fed, pacified or shushed. Children are bribed, scolded, hushed, ignored, distracted or told to be brave. By adulthood, most people apologise if they cry in public. It’s this backlog of feelings that drives fear based behaviours such as picky eating, separation anxiety, aggression or sleep issues.
We think crying and protesting is naughty. Or we don’t want our kids to be upset. The truth is that the hurt already happened and got lodged in the body. The crying (or other emotional release) is the process of this hurt finding its way out. It is the recovery.
One of the best ways to create the safety required to tip the body into recovery mode is through PLAY and affection. Often when we can shift our kids nervous system into a more relaxed state they will start to go into recovery mode. This is where you can expect crying or tantrums as the body starts to release the stored upset. You'll find the brighter, more easy going, co-operative version of your child on the other side of those meltdowns.
Being kind and patient while our kids meltdown is easier said than done though! It's very likely that you are also finding you are not your most easy going, playful or available self at this time either. I'd really encourage you to be kind to yourself if you're finding yourself snappy, reactive or just withdrawn as a mother. Covid-19 is a great cause of stress; as well as suddenly losing all social and childcare support, many of us have financial or health worries using up our emotional bandwidth. On top of this, just like our children, the quarantine situation may be bringing up feelings from the past.
If we had an experience in childhood of feeling powerless, at the whim of authority figures, or things feeling scary, out of control and chaotic, the current situation may be activating unresolved feelings from that time. This has the effect of bringing an intensity or urgency to how we feel about everything. And it will make our children’s crying and whining feel intolerable.
The main thing you can do right now is really cut yourself some slack. This is hard. You will have more to give when you are less under pressure. Remember that good parenting doesn’t happen as a result of effort or willpower.
Don't ever let yourself imagine that you'd be a better parent if you tried harder. You can guarantee that your 'effort' dial is already turned up to the max. There is nothing stronger than a parent's motivation to love and make their child's life go well. What really makes a difference in terms of how much availability we signal to our children are our non-verbal cues (our facial gestures and vocal tone, for example). We don’t change those by effort. Those shift inadvertently when we can attend to our nervous system.
If you are struggling right now to parent as responsively as you might usually, instead of efforting you just need to focus on taking care of yourself. You can be SURE that when you’ve done that you will have more to offer your children.
Give yourself time and space to unravel from the stress that weighs on you. Notice what happens. You are doing so much better than you think you are. Every time you respond kindly to an upset. Every time you find a shred of playfulness to offer when you’d rather be resting. Every time you think deeply about who your kids really are and what it is they need. Every time you model appropriate boundaries by taking good care of yourself.
My bet is you are finding a way to give so much more than you received yourself as a child. You are shaping your kids’ brain with every interaction. You are literally forming the building blocks that will be used to construct the future. It’s not nothing, what you are doing, it’s really important. And no one ever thanks you, so i’m thanking you right now.
Bio:
Roma Norriss is a Parenting Consultant specialising in turning around unworkable family situations, where nothing else has worked. She is a mother of two living in Somerset and consults, teaches and writes internationally about parenting, intimacy, listening and relationships.
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