An Open Letter to The Mum Who Feels Like She Wasn't Enough During Quarantine - Lynne McLean Brown, Founder of Lynne McLean Brown Life Coaching
/An Open Letter to The Mum Who Feels Like She Wasn't Enough During Quarantine
All of the changes, upheaval and uncertainty has been pretty hard going on everyone. In particular, I think many mums are feeling pretty overwhelmed and guilty right now.
None of us expected that 2020 would put us in this position and so many of us tried to approach staying at home with good intentions. The intention to do things right, to keep others safe. In addition, we hoped to create a happy environment for our children during this process. Like many I remember going into this wanting this time to be remembered as a time of cuddles on the sofa and fun. I wanted to distract them from the uncertainty, missing friends and the boredom of being stuck inside. I now see how unreasonably high expectations these were. A pressure that many of us we added to our quarantine without even realising.
Like most, our social distancing began with games, movies and pyjamas. The inevitable family battles felt manageable to begin with. It was all sweetened with our new found freedom from the daily grind. No more commuting or hustling to get dinner, gymnastics and homework squeezed into the evening. We hardly noticed how the inability to take time out was creating a pressure cooker.
Next came the challenges of home schooling. I am yet to find either a parent or teacher who found this a breeze. Our dining table became a battle ground as arguments, bribery and frustration became much larger part of our day. I found myself trying to motivate and inspire our children when I myself had little motivation or inspiration myself. Suddenly, a broken weblink or misunderstood task became a much bigger deal than should have been.
After a few weeks came the bickering between my husband and I. Who was doing more? Who was getting more sleep? Who was getting to “escape” to work more often? I could never have imagined that work would become my self-care. It was as if someone had turned a dial that cranked up the intensity to full power when they only meant to switch the heating on.
This is where the guilt set in. Where were all those positive intentions? All that fun and precious family time lost in a sea of lethargy, frustration and arguments.
All that pressure released in arguments you didn’t mean; in frustration you wish you hadn’t taken out on the kids about screen time. Nagging guilt over the mess and frayed tempers at the dining room table. You start second guessing that punishment you dished out when you were tired. On top of that you feel like a bad mum for pretending to have a work meeting or for hiding in the bathroom. Suddenly that breathing space seems so hard to find. All the treats and overbaked sourdough bread send your hopes to eat healthily out the window with all the family rules. So many good intentions, where did they go?
If you are worried that you didn’t do enough or are giving yourself a hard time about not being who your family needed or deserved. If you feel guilty about everything that you abandoned and all the forgotten plans and intentions. I see you.
I see your exhaustion; I see your fear and uncertainty. I see your weariness from trying to be everything you hoped, from trying to keep calm and positive. Know the following words of compassion and encouragement are for us both.
Know that your anger and frustration are a natural reaction to an unnatural situation.
Family life involves tension and arguments at the best of times so could only be expected during the worst.
You are not the only one who has felt like she didn’t have the energy. Know that each one of us had those days. How much you have achieved has nothing to do with your self-worth whether during a pandemic or any other time.
We only ever post what that want to share on social media. Whether it’s the raw reality or a glossy highlight. Know that the pictures you see of children counting pasta into jars for home school or ditching everything in favour of tv and computer games are not the full story of any families life.
Forgetting or giving up on the normal family rules was necessary. You have softened where you needed to so that everyone can get by.
We have all lost our tempers over home schooling. It was a job none of us were equipped or prepared for. Your kids will be fine. So, will you.
Everyone has eaten differently over these las few months. Whether you baked sourdough bread or ordered takeaway do not feel shame when you step onto those scales. Any changes to your body are proof of the comfort you needed and gave yourself.
Know that when you hide and cry you are giving yourself vital space. This is taking care of yourself in the most basic way. Never feel guilty for protecting your boundaries, especially in a situation where our access to both normal solitude and connection has changed.
So many have lost and suffered because of this pandemic. Do not feel guilty for struggling or feeling down while have it so much worse. Gratitude is not about papering over your discomfort. The pain of others does not negate yours. Some of us have more burden to carry than others but none of us have had an easy time.
You were never supposed to thrive during a pandemic. We should never have expected ourselves to perform as if it was business as usual.
We are working our way through a global pandemic, a once in a 100 years’ experience. None of how life has been these last few months are evidence of your weakness, lack of resilience or inadequacy. They are more likely proof of your strength, love and determination. Please do not mistake a hard situation for personal failings or inadequacy.
Your stress, your worry, the things you let go of and the things you embraced over these last few months were natural reactions to a unusual situation. You could not do or be more, so forgive yourself for all the things you had expected of yourself. Do not give yourself a hard time for surviving instead of thriving. You could never have known how these last few months would be for you and your family. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and the coping strategies you needed but didn’t want. Getting through each day the best we could is all we should have ever expected of ourselves.
Bio:
I am a Scottish-born life coach and mum of two currently living in Southwest Norway. I love reading, yoga, aerial hoop, baking and camping. I am also a recovering burnt-out mum who works hard at showing myself the same love and compassion I show my family. As a coach, I help women who feel overwhelmed, guilty and torn who want to let go of never feeling enough. I help them let go of the pressure and expectations they feel bound to so that they can embrace what makes them happy and live by their own rules.
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