Taming your teenager, and other myths - Einav Avni, Untangled Coaching
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Taming your teenager, and other myths
They say only 7% of our communication is down to the words we use. The other 93% are to do with non verbal communication styles such as body language, facial expressions, tonality, volume and energy (amongst others).
With this in mind, the ‘NO’ I got from my daughter having asked her to get off her phone and go to sleep was everything I didn’t want.
Her ‘NO’ was not loud, nor was it quiet. She turned on her chair giving me her back and continued staring at the wretched device. With just 7% words and 93% non words I knew I had lost that battle.
My oldest daughter is 13 now and by far the best teacher (other than her 10 year old sister) in all things kids and how to deal with them.
On that evening the ‘NO’ was uttered, my mind was racing back to all the lessons I’ve attended with her and I knew I was down to only two options: I was either going to fly off my racket, snatching the phone off her, threaten to take away her privileges for a week and get very very angry OR… I could say nothing and walk away. Leaving her to assess for herself (having attended all of my teachings) whether she should give up or continue.
My daughter chose to get off her phone. The following night when I asked her to get off the phone and go to sleep she simply asked for 5 extra minutes and then took herself to bed.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I’ve realised that as our kids become teens (and more so when they are in their mid and late teens), they no longer need us to be what we’ve been before.
They no longer need us to nag, demand, put down the rules and be the rule keepers. They no longer need us to tell them what to do, how and when to do it.
What they do need is for us to trust them that they can handle life as we’ve prepared them and to know we are there for them for mental, emotional and physical support when they want it.
Teens these days are hugely independent. They have access to anything and everything they want. If we limit them or stand in their way, they will find a way around that, and in my opinion this might even be more scary than most.
Of course not everyone is the same and we do need to pay attention to the cues and clues they give us. What is it they need from us? An important point to bear in mind here is that if we decide to continue to parent them when they feel parenting is no longer required, we will drive them away. We will create a situation where they refuse to share with us stuff about their day, their fears, hopes, emotions, let downs, pains and celebrations.
In other words, we create the environment we dread. We force our teens to be more guarded and with huge walls around them.
Consider the other option. The one where you learn to trust that the kid you had brought up has turned into a young person that is responsible, caring, and most of all: doing their very best.
When you show your teen you trust them: trust them to make the right choice, encourage them to think on their feet and behave in a way that allows them to make safe mistakes, then they know they can trust you back.
Teens come in many different shapes and forms and some are more challenging than others. What is helpful to remember is that at this phase in their lives what they really need to do is to forge their own identity and to do so they use their friends and peers - NOT their parents.
With this in mind, if you want to stay on terms that will last you both well beyond this stage of life, you must remember it’s not about you and very much about them.
Create a safe environment for them to take responsibilities, to try things for themselves. Tell them about your own ‘failures’ and show them mistakes are our best teachers. Help them listen to their doubts and find ways to empower them using their own strengths and natural talents. Show them you trust them to be who they’re meant to be and watch them become.
When I look back to pretty much all of the battles I’ve had with my daughters, one clear theme is coming up. It’s that I was trying to enforce my way and opinion without paying attention to how I was laying down the rules.
It is very much our responsibility to put down rules and boundaries, but it’s helpful to do this in a way that gets the results we want, without the fights and pushback.
How? By remembering our teens have heard us say the same thing ever since they were small kids. Now it’s time for us to trust they have heard it and allow them to follow our rules in their own way! You think it’s hard to tame your teens, then imagine what they say about you to their friends!!
Bio:
I'm a confidence and personal development coach working with people feeling stuck, fed up or that life is passing them by. I work with people to recognise and overcome limiting beliefs and connect them to their empowered self as this is where their powers are! I work with people on identifying negative conversation they have in their heads and how to create a life worth living. Living through values, authenticity and congruency.
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