How to walk in the door ready to parent - Anita Cleare

How to walk in the door ready to parent

There’s no denying it, being a working parent can be exhausting. Most working parents feel like we are running just to stand still. We have limited time, limited energy, and too much to do. We want to be good parents. We want to get parenting ‘right’. But we are seldom at our best at the end of a working day when the parenting shift kicks in. 

Being a calm, consistent parent after a long day working is not easy. One of the biggest challenges is simply starting our second shift in the right frame of mind to parent. It sounds easy enough but, for many of us, that involves learning how to be two different people on the same day.

When we are working, our mindset involves a big helping of what I call ‘efficiency thinking’. This is a type of future-minded thinking that focuses on getting the job done with minimum waste of time or effort. Work requires us to be task-focused and efficiency-driven. Our working days revolve around targets and deadlines – our mindset is fixed on completing everything on time and within budget. 

But when it comes to family life, that workplace mindset is not always a good fit. Because children seldom stick to the plan! They are exuberant and spontaneous, messy and stubborn, and not at all concerned about getting things done quickly or efficiently. When we bring our task-focused, efficiency-driven, work heads to parenting, it’s easy to get frustrated or annoyed when children drag their feet or their big emotions spill over.
Children need adults to deploy a different set of skills. They need emotionally attuned parents who are curious and playful and empathetic. Who can slow down and pick up on their subtle cues. Parents who can prioritise reflecting and listening over getting the job done. Learning quick ways to switch between work-mode and parent-mode can really help working parents walk in the door ready to parent - so we can be the parents our children need (and still hold down a job!).

Here are six quick tips to help you switch for work-mode to parent-mode:

1. Don’t arrive home hungry or thirsty
Being hungry or thirsty makes even the best of us narky and more likely to snap. If you have been too busy to eat or drink enough all day, be sure to pick up some water and a healthy snack before you face the kids. It’s worth taking an extra five minutes to rebalance physically so that you don’t start your parenting shift completely drained of energy. 

2. Change your thoughts
It’s hard to disengage from your efficiency mindset if your head is full of work. So, find a way to let go of work thoughts. Audiobooks are great if you are commuting back from work, or try listening to a funny podcast on your phone.

3. Trigger positive emotions
You can help yourself to switch into parent-mode by carrying a photo of your children with you. Or a drawing by your child. Something that gives you a fuzzy feeling when you look at it. Take it out when you are on the train home (or before you leave your desk if you are working at home) and look at it for a minute. Conjure up your child’s face and allow those fuzzy feelings to sweep through you. Tapping into positive emotions associated with our children can transport us straight into a positive parent mode, energised and ready to connect.

4. Deal with stress
Stress makes us more judgemental and makes it harder to connect emotionally with our children. So, deal with your stress before you start the parenting shift. Take a few minutes to close your eyes and breathe deeply and slowly. Take a deep breath then exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of ten. Then smile, and feel your brain release the feel-good chemicals that come with smiling. 

Practising mindfulness is a great way to stop rushing and be present in the moment rather than three steps ahead – exactly what we need for switching out of work-mode. Mindfulness involves bringing our attention onto whatever is going on in this exact moment both inside and outside ourselves. Simply sitting and paying attention to physical sensations – sounds, smells, breath, touch – can help to bring us into a calmer and more present state. You can download an app on your phone for guided mindfulness meditations. A 5-minute meditation before you start your parenting shift can be the difference between an evening full of stress and shouting and walking in the door ready to parent.

5. Give the kids a burst of attention
You know the kids are probably going to want a piece of you as soon as they can get it. So, accept that and don’t try to do anything else for the first 15 minutes. If you have little ones, sit down and give them your full attention. If you are sitting still and available to them, they are less likely to feel the need to fight for your attention. And once the connection has been re-established, they will be much happier to let you disappear for a few moments to get changed or do whatever you need to do.

6. Play with your children
Play is a brilliant way to switch modes and reconnect with your children. After you’ve finished work, spend 15 minutes playing with your children. Wholeheartedly. Shuffling Lego pieces around or playing while your brain is on other things is no good here - try to immerse yourself fully in play and actually have fun. Forget you are a grown up. Horse around. Kick a ball. Play a manic driving game with your tween on the computer. 
It might be running around play, or dressing up role-play, or constructing something together, or a game of Snap! – it doesn’t really matter, and it doesn’t have to take long. What matters is that you are both engaged and enjoying it. Immersed in play, we are in a state of flow, totally absorbed in the moment in a way that not only builds relationships, it helps parents to de-stress and boosts wellbeing. So learn to be in the moment, tune into your child’s playfulness, step out of your work-mode and enjoy it.

Bio:

Anita Cleare MA AdvDip is a parenting speaker, writer and coach and Director of the Positive Parenting Project. Her new book 'The Work/Parent Switch: How to parent smarter not harder' is full of practical tips to help working parents create a happy family life which is low on conflict, high in warmth and good for children’s development.

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