Lockdown II: The Sequel - Ali Pember, Good Enough Mama
/Lockdown II: The Sequel
As I write this, we are headed for another national lockdown. My sense is that this is like some awful B movie. It’s really too soon for a low budget badly produced sequel, the music is swelling, I’m on the edge of my seat, and I have already stuffed my face with too much popcorn…
But I’m hoping that the plot shifts somewhat from tragedy to a fulsome heartwarming tale of redemption and hope (with some tragic-comic bits thrown in for light relief). Because I’m going to be doing it differently this time.
My badly written plot line from the last lockdown went something like this:
After loads of battles with home schooling a reluctant pupil, whilst simultaneously trying to keep everyone sane and well, secure an online shopping slot, switch to running my business online, and support my elderly parents from a distance, I decided enough was enough.
I gave up.
Gave up trying to do all the things.
Gave up the pretence that we were going to become self sufficient by growing our own vegetables. Gave up trying to please the teacher who had clearly put a lot of effort into her incredibly complex home learning plans. Gave up the impossible task of showing my mum how to use Zoom. Gave up working all hours to create a slick online business empire.
And, by and large, we thrived in a state of suspended mediocrity.
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Fast forward to Lockdown II: The Sequel and what I’ve learned that the most important thing is to prioritise mental well being for everyone and to lower my expectations of what we can achieve.
And, do you know what, those are pretty good aspirations all of the time. It’s just that it took not being able to tear around at 100 miles an hour doing all the things to see it.
Particularly as we get closer to Christmas, I think the opportunity to DO less and BE more is a really important life lesson.
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So what is this going to look like in practice for me and my family? Here’s what I mean by embracing that state of suspended mediocrity:
1) Stress less about academic achievement.
I know it is different if you have offspring who are preparing for important exams, but all of us perform best when we feel happy and secure, and are under less pressure. The last few months have seen most of us in a permanent state of threat mode, with at least a low level anxiety constantly thrumming away in the background. Kids pick up on that and they’ve had stresses of their own to contend with.
When I gave up trying to be surrogate teacher and just focussed on being a more present parent, my daughter was much more relaxed. We still read her favourite books, we discovered a whole world of online games together (I now have my own Roblox avatar), we went on long wonderfully purposeless dog walks. I also relaxed my unwritten rule about using my phone for FaceTime and texting, and when I receive a message with a smattering of unicorn emoji poo, I know it is likely for her.
2) Don’t attempt to take on anything new. Unless it brings you joy.
We all know the cliché of sour dough bread making during lockdown, and some amazing folk have even managed to keep at it. Hats off to them, I’m not having a dig at anyone’s endeavour in any particular homespun craft or wholesome activity. One of the first things we did was to put up a poly-tunnel and plant some seeds. But please don’t attempt to make your life Pinterest-worthy in a pandemic if you wouldn’t at any other time.
I’ve never been one for arranging my sleeping babe in wonderful tableaus of magical photoshopped images on Instagram, or cutting her home grown vegetables into a rainbow of nutrient rich wonder. So I’m not about to start. What brings me great joy is running a bath and having an undisturbed 5 mins to shave my legs. I have invested in new bath products, but nothing much else.
3) Lean in to the difficult feelings.
This has been a uniquely shitty year for all sorts of reasons. Cancelling things we were looking forward to. Not being able to plan nice things to alleviate the gloom. Losing financial security. Possibly losing loved ones.
I could go all mindfulness teacher on you and say, ‘be in the present, there is nothing else’. I’m not going to say that, although there’s clearly a lot of truth in finding happiness where you are right now rather than putting it off until some point in the future.
But what I am going to say is don’t attempt to skip past or numb out the difficult feelings about all the things you miss, and all the things you’ve lost through 2020. If you do that, they will pop back up in the form of mental and physical ill health.
Instead, notice the feelings when they come up and soften towards them. Put your hand on your heart and say the self compassion mantra (from the wonderful Kristin Neff): This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of being human. So may I be kind to myself.
4) Prioritise your mental and physical well being.
You may normally skip self care because you feel organised and capable and are just too busy getting stuff done. But what this year has shown us is that a lot of that feeling of invincibility is false, because it depends on the illusion that we are in control. We have never been in control. It’s just that some of us do a good job of pretending that we are.
I’m not suggesting that you descend into a nihilistic state of chaos. What I am suggesting is that if you have never included time for yourself on your ‘to do’ list, start now.
We can’t control what is happening around us, but we can control how we respond. So turn off the news, disable notifications on your phone, find something that is entirely for your own benefit (like a good book, walk in nature, simple yoga routine, baking, knitting, meditation) and do it every day. Ten minutes at least. No exception. Because this is about pacing yourself and building up your reserves for when things do get tough.
5) Lower your expectations of yourself and others.
My last tip really encompasses all of the ones above. Nearly all of our unhappiness comes from longing for how we would like things to be, rather than accepting how things actually are. From idealising the kind of person we would like to be, rather than being kind to the mundane old day-to-day versions of ourselves.
I’ve joked about living in a state of suspended mediocrity, but really what I mean is living in a way that doesn’t constantly diminish who and what you already are.
You are an imperfect being living an imperfect life in an imperfect system on an imperfect planet. Make friends with that and, above all else, make friends with yourself. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend. Be kind to yourself.
And that, my loves, is it. We will come out the other side of this. But learning to love the very ordinary non Instagram-able parts of our lives is what will get us there.
Bio:
Ali is a mindful self compassion coach and counsellor with over 10 years experience, specialising in support for women at all stages of motherhood.
She set up Good Enough Mama because she knows how tough it is to be a mum, but also believes that we are far too tough on ourselves.
Good Enough Mama is all about bringing simple mindfulness and self compassion practices into your life, so you can stop feeling anxious and overwhelmed and start feeling more at ease with yourself. Ali offers group courses and 1:1 support to help you begin to trust that you are already good enough.
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