Mum Stories - Laura Leete
/As part of Isabella and Us. I will be bringing you a brand new blog series where each week a mum shares her story. I believe it is vitally important that we share our honest, vulnerable and incredible stories of our motherhood journey.
** Please be aware that you may find some of the stories potentially be upsetting or they may trigger something for you. If you do need further support please do seek advice from your GP or a mental health professional.
This week Laura Leete shares how to focus on self care when thrusted into the depths of having a premature baby and also becoming a premature parent.
A little bit about Laura:
“ Hi, I'm Laura.
I am a teacher by trade and recently a mum to a gorgeous baby boy who was born at 29 weeks and is in intensive care at our local hospital. I am passionate about all things mum related, the care needed for pregnant mums-to- be and the vital self-care needed for when the transition to motherhoold actually arrives. In my case, motherhood arrived three months earlier than expected.”
Laura’s Story:
ICU mum- self care is more important than ever
Having a baby on an intensive care ward is like being part of a private, secret group that certainly I knew nothing about whilst I was pregnant. No one ever thinks ‘but what if my baby comes early?’ and I certainly didn’t ever think about the mums who go through this. This premier of parenting so alien, so unfamiliar and so unknown.
What has got me to day twelve? Honestly, the meds have helped but the physical aside, if you find yourself going through this, heaven forbid you go through this, you need to talk. Partner, friend, family member, doctor, chaplain, parent on the ward, all of them, one of them, you will need to talk, over and over again, and not just reciting the birth experience because everyone’s curious for details, but actually to start to process this surreal ordeal that remains unfathomable for such a long time. And don’t just talk once. Allow emotion to evolve over time. Keep talking, typing, blogging, voice recording, talking to yourself. And. Make sure you say kind things to yourself. You’re bloody amazing at doing this. You’ve become a mum weeks’ earlier than you should be. You’re super human. I am super human.
There’s no doubt there are two postpartum periods for me. Postpartum recovery number one: I’ve got to recover physically and find the balance between my own healing and the binding together of my new family and the relationships it holds. Make sure you sleep. Make sure you eat. And not just cake because you might be feeding. Ayurveda science talks about the loss of earth and water (physical bodily matter, blood) during childbirth and the need for it to be replaced with the warmth of surroundings and nutritious food. (A useful link)
Gentle, home cooked, warm, feel good foods are really important for physical recovery and well-being.
Then there’s the looking ahead, which everyone will cite. Postpartum recovery period number two. When he comes home. Baby and I will need the postpartum rest, feed, sleep, bond and heal period more intensely than before. A chance to reclaim what I feel I have lost. You will need this too. Don’t ignore your own recovery needs and also what you and baby will need once finally, you are home together and things start to ease into normality.
Then there’s relationships. There is no doubt that having a baby in intensive care is going to test out the strength of your wider family and friend connections. The support systems you thought you had in place for when the baby was originally going to arrive. All of your original time plans have shunted themselves forward by months. Concede to the fact that you are going to have to reach out. People are not naturally going to jump to your aid. They are going to um and ah, say no, offer a million excuses and dump their shit on you because they are oblivious to what you are going through. You are going to have to be resilient and if I had my time again in this initial phase it would be to blanket coverage, if you cannot help then say you cannot help without the off loading onto extremely fragile new parents. People do not know what intensive care means. They don’t know what the equipment and the weight and premature status actually means. They don’t get it until they see and even then, they have to have had the experience of a full-term baby to compare it to. They will ask stupid questions. The same questions as ten people before. Copy and paste! And actually, put the phone down. Message and speak when you are ready to not when the phone bleeps. Yes, stay connected to the wider world, but be present, be in the moment, as hard as it is. Burying your head in social media is not a coping strategy. This is happening. It is raw and real and devastating and exciting and hopeful and hopeless and a million other emotions all at the same bloody time.
Ask for help. Be specific about the help. No one is to visit the baby without a meal in tow. Make sure people are aware of visiting expectations. No children. No illness. No touching baby. Wash hands. Don’t stay forever. I have found myself asking for lifts to the hospital because I cannot drive for the next six weeks. My husband cannot do it all. The logistics of things like this, travel, eating become sticks in the mud.
Set some dates with things to look forward to. There have got to be things coming up that are steadfast in the diary and positive. This is a long journey. This includes date nights with your partner. To touch base. To be affectionate. To talk about other things. To even laugh.
Accept massive newborn gifts graciously. Again, people don’t really get what 1.2kg actually means. Hint with all the strength you can muster at receiving gifts for you and not for baby. Why do people buy for baby and not for parents?! Treat yourself. If people are not forthcoming and they won’t be, don’t wait for the pamper box that’s not coming or the flowers that haven’t been sent. My advice. Send them to yourself with a positive note to remind yourself how bloody well you’re doing and make sure its gift wrapped!
If you can afford it, find postnatal doula care. Sometimes it’s a darn site easier to get what you need when you pay for it. Postnatal doulas offer block bookings at a discounted price and would set up a payment plan too if things were really tight financially. Even if you think, I don’t need all that support now, safeguard yourself to have that help there when baby is home or your partner is finally back to work. When the baby dust has settled and everyone has returned to their lives and you need a little extra. I would recommend this support even if you have a full-term baby and all is smooth running.
** If this story has been upsetting or has triggered something for you and you do need further support please do seek advice from your GP or a mental health professional.**
You can see more of Laura over at:
